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The childish fairytale of my marriage had ended.A more decent person than I would have sat down with Steve and told him what happened — what truly happened. But I am a coward; of course I am. How else could I have been weak enough to fall that easily for my rapist again? The following months were a balance act of keeping my new madness away from my husband — and most of all: keeping my new lifestyle away from sweet innocent Eric. To my own amazement I succeeded. I even thought I misled the therapist I still consulted.Robert was careful too; he had a meticulously constructed public image to protect. Despite his bullying indifference, he only called when Steve would be away — he seemed to be well informed. He always phoned a few days early; one time he called even before Steve had had the time to tell me his schedule. He organized everything, even Eric's babysitter if I didn't have one. He never fucked me in the house again. Most of the time he had me picked up or he gave me the address. Your interview today won't do us any harm either. We should post ourbest figures ever." Good," said Caroline. "I wasn't sure I would be any good in aninterview." You're a natural," said Lee, "and it doesn't hurt that you're beautiful.When you have a message to deliver, never underestimate the power of apretty face. And I have to say, now that I've met you I find it hard tobelieve you were ever anyone else. You seem totally comfortable as youare now." I am, but it took some work and there were some difficult moments alongthe way," said Caroline. "Did you know I attended my own funeral?" That must've been weird." Like you wouldn't believe. To stand beside the coffin, staring downat what had been my own body only days before.... I'm not sure wordscan fully convey all the thoughts and emotions that race through yourmind at a moment like that. Hannah was there, of course, acting thegrieving daughter and providing support for me. I wasn't yet used tobeing a woman, so being dressed in that.
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